By Nathan on January 21, 2010
Drive a car that is laughably and obviously way above your government pay grade. (If indeed you are officially employed by a government.)
[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="216" caption="Q & some Bond Gadgets"][/caption]
If you happen to be a spy from the 60s or 70s, you absolutely must have an array of gadgets given to you ahead of time that end up being the following:
a) the only gadgets you need other than the tools lying around you at the time,
b) the exact gadgets you’ll need for incredibly specific tasks or points of danger requiring more than just the wits and dashing good looks you carry with you the rest of the time,
c)each gadget must either fit inside some unassuming object (e.g. a camera case, a briefcase panel, the heel of your Italian leather shoes), be easily deconstructed and hidden, or simply appear to be a normal item of clothing
(Note: you must carry with you a watch-based laser/grappling hook/mini-missile launcher or belt-based grappling hook/super-magnet)
|3. IN CASE OF EMERGENCY
Always have what we like to call the “MultiDuff” — a duffel bag filled with multiple passports, multiple forms of currency, multiple concealed weapons and multiple medical kits.
Possess the ability to assess which items in any given setting are viable weapons. Rooms of importance: kitchen, bathroom and office.
(Minimum requirement: we request that you carry a very small, concealed gun)
Stop thinking of women as meaningful pursuits and starting thinking about them as objects to be used and thrown away.
You must possess instinctive fighting skills that stretch across all easily conversationally recalled forms of martial arts. This recall must be instinctive, in case of unintentional amnesia.
|7. THE LANGUAGE BARRIER
You must be multilingual.
(Note: See criteria for Fighting Skills)
(Second Note: This is not required.)
|8. WOMEN, AGAIN
Shortly after arriving at your first destination, it is important to become randomly acquainted with your muse for this mission. She must be worth destroying your career for while also being easy to forget should the need arise.
Additionally, you must get close enough to her for your judgment to be clouded to the point of the mission nearly failing. Possibly muliple times.
(Note: If you are a government agent and if you’re good, this can happen on the plane en route, or even at headquarters with your boss’ receptionist.)
You must recognize alcohol for what it truly is. – Be able to drink it as often as an athlete drinks water.
• Possess mundane details about it (e.g. the correct temperature to serve a chilled bottle of Bollinger champagne).
• Drink it without looking like you care that you’re doing so.
• Know the local cultural specialty drink ahead of time. Order it often while there.
• Create complicated drink orders, while gambling, that get the rest of the table to order the same thing. (Note: if this pisses off your host, count it as a win.)
[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="216" caption="Perfect Accuracy"][/caption]
Be deadly accurate with any weapon that isn’t a sniper rifle. Despite it’s usefulness for accuracy, you need only use its scope to spy on those looking for you from across the street, or miss your target on purpose because she eventually becomes your muse (See: WOMEN, AGAIN).
|11. COUP DE GRAS
Appear physically unassuming, sexually dominating, mentally sharp and emotionally vulnerable all while battling to stop one of three things:
1. A madman bent on world domination
2. The government agency trying to kill you
3. Your impending death at the hands of your captors